Guilty feelings

A question at the WW meeting the other day made me realise a feeling I’ve been ignoring but one that is constantly nagging away. Part of the topic was how do you feel when you say no (not to food but requests for help etc) and the word guilt instantly just came out of me. For the rest of the day I thought a lot about this and I realised that I don’t only feel guilty when I say no but quite a lot of the time. I know I'm not alone as this has been mentioned on other blogs. Couldn't quite get over over how quickly the word came out of me though!!

Guilt at not being here working when I should be, guilt at not being able to help more with the grand kids, guilty and selfish feelings for putting myself first, fitting in exercise when I could be doing office work or house work. Guilt because my husband works such long hours in our business and sometimes is under a bit of stress, guilt that I can’t take the pressure of him more.

That night I had gone to aqua at 6.00, home just after 7.00 and then had to catch up with MM in the office before cooking dinner, even though we just steak and veges it was still after 8.00 before we sat down and ate. When our business started to expand I left my job and started working from home. We both thought this would be great, in the quiet times I could catch up on other work (we have a lifestyle block) the theory was this would take the pressure of MM. It started well, gardening got done, baking, lovely dinners were cooked and the office was run like clock work. I also had time to babysit. Life was cruisy.

Then I got the exercise bug, around the same time as the work load increased, and since then three more grandchildren arrived. So instead of MM coming home after a stressful day to have everything up to date, office work completed, dinner ready, some nights he’s now he’s coming in to a cold dark office, with an equally cold, dark house, me off doing my thing and then another late dinner. On Tuesday I nearly didn’t go to aqua, instead I thought I would light the fire, start dinner and be home, but at the last minute changed my mind and headed out. MM never seems to mind but that night I spoke about it and said how I do feel guilty. His comments were that I had started this and said that I couldn’t stop doing it, and to look at what I’ve achieved. So I got the feeling he’s accepted that it is something I have to do. Some days are better than others though and yesterday I went to the gym and aqua at lunch time so last night the house was warm, a yummy vege lasagne bubbling away in the oven. Dinner and dished done before 7.00pm. We even sat down and watched a DVD. (Walking the Line) loved it.

The guilty feelings about not being there more for the grandkids – well I’ve thought a lot about this and I know this is my expectation of myself – not my families. I know this goes back to when our children were babies. Our oldest daughter was just 17months old when I had twins! We were due to move into a new house when the twins were born which was in a small country village where I didn’t know a soul! MM’s parents were elderly and had numerous grandkids and my parents lived about two hours away and both worked. So they just weren’t able to be there. To be honest those first few months were a nightmare and some days the only person I saw was the plunket nurse. Life was an endless round of babies, bottles and nappies. I had a few melt downs and I remember thinking that when my turn came to be a grandparent I was going to be there and able to help my kids. But if I think about it I know I do help a lot, we do babysit and enjoy them. The kids know if we have something else on we will say no but if we are free then that’s fine. So I’m not sure why the guilty feelings hit me there apart from as I said that it’s my expectations of myself.

So I’m trying to put those guilty feelings aside and accept once again that life is all just about balance, spreading time for family, friends, work and also for me.

The last thing they spoke about at the WW meeting was a ‘want to do list’ rather than a ‘to do’ list. The leader told us to group together and discuss what we felt we wanted to do. Once again another instant thought hit me – and it was to go on holiday! Then just to curl up with a book in front of the fire even felt tempting. The ‘want to do’ list is growing. All food for thought!