Fate?

Fate??

I visited our daughter to check up on Jordyn after they got home from his operation. (his scar is looking good and he was fine, he was doing handstands only hours after the op!!) An old family friend of both mine and our daughter helped out looking after Casey and we got talking about the study she is currently doing. I discovered she was doing the NZIM Certificate of Management which I did several years ago (more about that later) she asked me why I didn’t go on to do a diploma. I had thought of this – quite a lot actually but in the end decided against it. Both my friend and daughter were saying I should do it now and to go for it!! I have got some papers towards the diploma cross credited through the certificate I did. We sat there and I gave them all my excuses and reasons but the truth was earlier this year I had phoned to look into the diploma. I drove home thinking about it and as usual my thoughts were conflicting. (LOL I have some huge arguments with myself at times!)

Now would you believe within minutes of me coming home the phone went and it was UCOL (because of my enquiry earlier this year) telling me about their special deal on the first diploma paper being reduced to $99.00!! Also can do it on line now. Fate maybe I thought?? I talked a bit about it all with MM and he is urging me to go for it, even just try one paper and see how I feel about it after that. So… the thoughts for and against are still going on – but deep down I’m quite sure that I will go for it. I think my brain is ready for a bit of stimulation and what have I got to lose?

As I said the reasons why I didn’t continue after doing the Certificate of Management were various – bear with me while I ramble on a bit here:

I started the papers after not doing anything in the way of study since I sat School C as a very reluctant sixteen year old. I found learning to study really hard, my brain seemed to scramble at times. It was so time consuming fitting it in with a full time job, the demands of family life. I did it but felt that at the end this was enough for me. Also I felt too old to continue.

Now a little brag here - the first year I sat three papers and when the first two came back I was surprised to find I had two A+’s, then the third one was an A. Over the next couple of years I plodded on giving it my best shot and I passed the eight papers all with A+’s and A’s – not a B in sight!! I had put a lot of effort into the assignments, the exams at the end freaked me out but I had done it and I had shocked myself with the results.

Around this time life had been stressful. My mother passed away after a brief fight with cancer. MM had been made redundant. My job was the pits! MM started his own business – money was a worry. Two of our children had gone overseas. The one left here had gone through a particularly bad split relationship. On top of all this my self esteem was at an all time low, I was overweight, not confident, unhappy with myself and very stressed in my job. Still life went on and it was getting near to graduation. I had made noises to MM about how we should celebrate, he obviously wasn’t listening too hard and his thoughts were on what he was trying to achieve. The week before graduation I mentioned (again) to MM about going for a meal, his comment was he couldn’t see why we should go out mid week!!! He was in another space and I could tell he had forgotten all about me graduating. Also the family – the whole lot had forgotten!!! Also too shy to mention to any friends about it. Stuff them all I thought – I won’t go to the graduation!! So I phoned and said to take my name from the list. The stupid thing was I felt a huge relief as I think deep down I didn’t want to get up on the stage feeling like I did about myself. The women hesitated on the phone and then asked me if I was sure if I couldn’t make it. I confirmed that I wouldn’t be there. And then she said she would tell me something that may make me change my mind – I had won ..............
The Top Student Award!!!

No I still didn’t go – I made sure MM saw the newspaper with the list in, and I played a pretty good martyr!

Looking back I can tell my confidence was at an all time low – now I would be up on that stage!!! No-one would forget!

I got over the fact that the MM and the family had been to wrapped up in their own world to remember me. I know MM felt pretty bad but part of the problem was me. I didn't even mention to any friends about the graduation. Our daughter told our friend about the forgotten graduation the other day when we were talking and we could laugh about it now. Our friend said to me I had to give the diploma a shot and she would make sure if I did it the graduation would be celebrated and that was what I was thinking about and then I received the phone call – I reckon it is fate!

My thoughts about not continuing with study were many at the time – and how I feel now is listed below.
I was too old
(Rubbish - Age is immaterial)
Finding time
(still could be hard – but easier now I’m not in full time employment)
By the time I passed I would probably be near retirement!
(any learning has to be good, keeping the mind stimulated; it’s not just about a career)
Too hard
( I have realised that there is a brain lurking in this head)
The price
(this is now reduced)
So what have I got to lose….

Also big changes going on with our daughter, she has struggled with the pain in her hands and is now on steroids which she wasn’t too happy at starting. Work is aggravating the pain. To start with she was so concerned about what would happen if she couldn’t work. It is a part time job 20 hours a week at a call centre. Then it got to the stage where she looked into how they would cope, and it turns out that with increased child assistance and if they looked at other ways of cutting back spending that they could manage, it will be harder but they can do it. So her notice was handed in last night. Her plans are also being able to spend time with her boys before bedtime instead of rushing out of the house, looking maybe at some study, also planning coming to the pool with me some nights and she will swim while I go to aqua.

This is meant to be a weight loss blog – I’m another one who is struggling – and having lots of little conflicting thoughts in my head right now. I was waiting for that special click to happen in my head to get me going again, don’t think the click thing is going to happen – so looks like I’ll have to push myself back into it. One day at a time….

A little laugh here - MM came back here about an hour looking for his cell phone, it wasn't here so we tried phoning it, didn't appear to be turned on - so he did the retracing his steps thing and just phoned me to say he found it!! OK it was a little worse for wear - drowned in a puddle. No wonder it wouldn't ring!!